Mmm...drugs

Some time ago, I had the chance to take out a girl by the name of "Kate". "Kate" was a blind date that was set up over the course of several months. We had e-mailed for a time, and then finally, after both our schedules were finally able to match up, I had the chance to take her out on to an Indian dinner...(dot, not feather).

I knew from e-mail conversations that she was a very social and personable girl. I was looking forward to the evening, knowing that things were well lined up for a good time.

And I was not to be disappointed. She was pretty much everything I had expected, and I really had a good time. She was easy to talk to, had a great laugh and was just fun to be around.

Things were running smoothly when suddenly she got a text message alert. Being a HUGE fan of all things texting, I had no qualms with this. She said, "Oh, I have to check this. It might be my friend."

She then went on to explain, while she was answering the text, that her friend had been having some pains and they weren't quite sure what it was. Then, almost as an after thought, my date said, "I hope she has to have an appendectomy."

I did a double-take and asked her, "You WANT her to have an appendectomy? Why would you want to wish something like that on a friend?"

"Kate" went on to explain, "Well, if she has any type of surgery, then she can get some pain pills, and then she can share them with me!"

And then, with the pure passion of someone who REALLY enjoys something, her eyes rolled up, she clenched her fists in a grasp of excitement, and she said, "I LOVE pain pills."

I was then treated to a brief history of how whenever any of her friends have surgery or anything that involves medication, she is usually able to convince them to share some with her because, she "loves the haze they put [her] in". Sometimes they even give them to her as part of a birthday present.

I felt bad I didn't have any to share with her.

Kids - Don't do drugs.

Democratic or Republican...worse Californian!

There has been rare occasions that I have gone out while visiting Utah. Ages ago, my brother and I decided that we wanted to go skiing in Utah. I had a boss here in California that had a condo in Midway that he lent us for the week. So, we drove up for some skiing and to visit some friends.

I called my friend Lisa to let her know that I was coming up. She in turned said, "There is a guy that you have to go out with while you are up here." I said sure with some major hesitation. He called and we set up a meeting place. Since I really don't know Utah, at the time we met at the only place that I knew of its location. We meet in front of the Provo temple in the morning. From there he wanted to show me the sights and sounds of Utah.

"Rick" was very attractive. He had the greenest eyes that I have ever seen. I was smitten, so I thought that there is no way that this could end badly.

Rick made me feel like I should have taken notes of everything that he was showing me. I have to admit that it was a fun way to have a history lesson. After he showed me all of Provo. He said that I had to see Salt Lake City. We stopped at this great little Greek restaurant and had a break from my history lesson. I soon discovered everything about Rick and I mean everything. I wasn't able to get a word in edgewise. I had never met a guy that had that much to say about himself. Other than my name, I think the only thing that he knew about me at this point was that I wasn't from Utah.

We resumed the sight-seeing/history tour. We ended out date on top of a hill behind the Capital building. I could see all of the valley. It was a beautiful site as the lights glimmered. Finally, Rick asked me questions about me. I had a chance to speak for the first time in nearly eight hours of being together. His first question, "Are you a democratic or a republican?" As I told him my political party, he looked bewildered. I asked him what was wrong. Still looking bewildered, "But how can you be?" Remembering who set me up, I simply answered, "I'm Californian." With that he took two steps back from me.

I began to laugh inside my head. He said he should get me back home. It was a very quiet ride home.

Soooo not funny....

One of my many blind date adventures took place back in May of 2005. I was living down in St. George at the time and a good friend of mine back in Payson, a girl by the name of Wendy B., or to keep it anonymous, W. Brown, wanted to set me up with one of her friends who lived near where I was.

W. Brown called me up one day and said, "Zach...there is a fantastic girl whom I have known for a little while, and she lives down there. She just had a birthday and you should totally take her out on the town to celebrate, and of course to meet her. She is awesome."

Well, how could I say no to that? So I agreed to take her out. Wendy B. gave me the phone number and I proceeded to call "Heather" and ask her out for that weekend. Fortunately W. Brown had forewarned her that I would be calling and the conversation went smoothly.

I should point out at this moment that in May of 2005, I was almost 30 years old. Keep that in the back of your mind.

So on the agreed day, I went to pick "Heather" up at her house. When she opened the door, I must say that I was truly impressed. She really was an attractive girl. She was very friendly and personable, and very easy to talk to. I could tell that this night was going to be fun.

We first went out to eat. My first impressions of her proved to be spot on as we had a great time conversing and sharing stories, and just getting to know each other. It was a lot of fun.

The next event on our agenda was to go up on the cliffs above St. George and fly kites. So up we went. This also proved to be a wonderful activity and we once again went about finding out more and more about each other.

Finally I got around to asking about her birthday and how it had been.

Me: So, you just had a birthday, right?

"Heather": Yes I did! Just last week in fact.

Me: Now going against all "Dating Protocol", how old are you?

"Heather": hee, hee, 18!

Me: *empty stare much like the proverbial 'deer in headlights' cliche*

I was in Middle School learning Algebra and fighting acne when she was born. Better yet...she was 9 years old when I got home from my mission.

Later that night, after having spent the remainder of the date at arm's length of this YOUNG lady at all times, I called up my dear, dear friend who had arranged this, and was met with a loud, long spiel of laughter as she knew I had found out.

I still love you, but, Touche' Wendy...Touche'.

Who's the man?...No really, who is the man?

Once in awhile, I realize that guys need a break from having to ask girls out. So, I have been known to ask a few guys out here and there. Some have said yes and others have said no. Now for the ones that say yes, I plan the whole thing. From the dinner to the activity. But most of them still act as the guy. They open the car door for me, okay, any door for me. They attempt to pay for the dinner or the activity, etc. All except for one!

'Bobby' was so different and a blast to be around. So, asking him out was super easy. I told him that I would plan the whole night. To which he replied, "That's awesome! What time will you pick me up?" We made the arrangements for Saturday night. I thought nothing of me picking him up.

I arrived at his place and rang the doorbell. To my surprise, he made me wait for 15 minutes to finish getting ready. Okay, maybe he was running late. It happens. Finally, after all his primping, we were off to dinner. We got to the car, I unlocked his door and then headed to the driver's side. I got in and started the car. I noticed that he was still standing outside of the car. I rolled downed the window and asked if everything was okay? Looking completely serious, "It will be when you open the door for me." This is going to be a long night at the rate that we are going.

I turn off the car. Get out of my seat, walk around the car and open his door. I wait for him to get into the car and sit down.

Okay, let's try this again. Off to Honda Ya. My favorite sushi place. I parked the car and headed to the restaurant. Once again, Bobby is still in the car. I walk back. Open the door to let him out. He said nothing. I am beginning to see why he still may be single. Now, this restaurant is truly authentic Japanese cuisine. One side of the menu is only in Japanese and if you flip the menu over, it's in English. Bobby didn't pick up on that detail. Well, apparently, Bobby isn't very adventurous when it comes to food. So, after I ate some fabulous food and paid for dinner. We left to watch the grunion run.

The grunion were in season and if nothing else it is so much fun watch everyone around trying to catch the grunion. So, as we got the pier I explained the night's activity and that is when my little princess explained a few things to me. Bobby would not be walking on the sand, since is bad for his feet. He also hates the water since fish swim in it. But above all, he hates being cold. With that, my fun filled date came to an end. Well, after I remembered to open the car door for Bobby. I took him home.

As I drove home, thinking to myself..."I make a lousy guy. I don't open doors and apparently I can't even plan a fun date. Oh well, good thing that I'm a girl!"

Clean fun...it's better than DIRTY fun

Your Mamma Told You To Scrub There...

Now it does happen, quite often, that you meet someone with whom you totally click and get along with. You enjoy spending time together, and you end up going out several times. These are wonderful experiences, and typically, at this point it usually takes something pretty significant to disrupt the happy path to possible matrimony.

I had been seeing a girl, we shall call her Phoebe, for a couple of weeks. Things were moving along splendidly and we had been out on several successful, fun dates.

We decided that this particular weekend though, we would stay in, and with the companionship of popcorn and the nestling of a warm blanket, watch a good movie and enjoy each others' company.

And that is exactly how it played out...up to the end of the movie.

As the credits began to roll, the lights were out, the mood was set, and that good ol' fashioned feeling of physical contact started to progress.

Ok, ok...cool your jets. It was all quite innocent and PG rated, so don't get your hopes up, or call my Bishop.

Anyway, we were kissing. She was very skilled in this art and we were having an enjoyable time. Well, being the suave romantic that I am, I thought that it would be fun to tease her a bit with a nibble on the ear.

So I worked my way over a bit and started kissing her cheek, and then moving towards the ear, I took my hand and gently brushed her hair back and out of the way to move in.

Well, as I ever so gently brushed her hair back, I happened to get a good look behind her ear and saw...

Wait for it...

DIRT

Small, black, granules of gritty, abrasive dirt, freshly planted and held in place by a foundation of thick, waxy hair grease and dandruff.

Now, of course on first sight, I thought that this surely could not be, as this much build up had to have taken place not over only a day or three of forgetfulness. This sheer volume of grime could only have been built up over the course of weeks to attain such mass.

So, feigning a genteel tickle of the ear with my finger, I went ahead and touched back there only to confirm what I already knew and should have heeded in the first place, and that was that this girl was in some serious need of some "Head & Shoulders" and a scouring pad.

Yes...the mood was killed, and so soon after...was the relationship.

Personal Hygiene...It's all the rage.

Ahhh...Thank you very much!

Elvis is not dead...he has been reincarnated in "Johnny".

A group of friends and I have Christmas tradition of going up to the Gibson Amphitheater (Universal Amphitheater, to you OS cats!) every year to see The Brian Setzer Orchestra Christmas Revue.

A few years ago, (back in my psychobilly days) the small group of 8 of us were prepared to put on swing dancing shoes and rock that joint. There was just one small problem, my original date decided that he no longer wanted to go with us. As his ex-girlfriend came back into the picture.

Well, after sorting out that minor mess. I called my friend Cassandra and told her the news. At first, I thought that she would share in my moment of misery, but this was not the case. To which she proclaimed, "That's perfect! I have the perfect cat for you. I've been trying to figure out how to get you two hell-cats to meet."

Now, I love and adore Cass, but her taste in men for me always fall very, very short. This would be no exception to the rule. The night came. We were all decked out. Dressed to the nines. Everyone had on their swing shoes. The guys were in the bright colored zoot suits, leather jackets, dungarees rolled up and bowling shirts. We girls, looked as if we were World War II P-38's pin-up girls that came to life. Nylon lines running down our girly legs, bright red lips and cat lined eyes. LA was our town that we were going to paint it red and swing the night away.

We met up at Johnny's house. It was retro Arts and Craft style house. Inside, you were transported back into the 1940's with a hint of the 1950's. Everything was vintage or complete rebuilt. So far, I was impressed with the boy.

Moment of truth, in walked Johnny, a true psychobilly guy. A perfectly shaved head. Except for the portion that was grown out to create the perfect pompadour. He looked like a greaser that would have given Marlon Brando and James Dean a run for their money. He was dressed in suit that could have been worn by Elvis Presley himself. Well, so far Cass did not let me down. But the night was still young.

We all piled into two cars. One rebuilt Bel Air and the other was a 1954 Cadillac that was made exactly like the one Elvis had.

Johnny LOVED Elvis Presley and I mean LOOOOVED Elvis.

We got the show and had a swinging good time. The two opening acts were pretty good and caused us to have an impromptu discussion to see about all of us hepcats making a trip out to Memphis rockabilly music scene. From there, Johnny said "Well, since all of you are Elvis rookies. We should swing to Vegas first and catch some of the Elvis revues." Now, in this group of greasers...Vegas wasn't a hard sell.

Well, Brian Setzer come on. We sang along. We danced in the aisles. The night couldn't have gone any better.

So with that, the concert was over and we were hungry. Pink's was our dinner of choice for the evening. It was a Friday night and we weren't on planning to come home until late and Pink's is perfectly designed for that. As we started eating , Johnny decided that we should all have a history of the life of Elvis. I was ready for a true fan to enlighten me on Mr. TCB (Taking Care of Business). Oh no, this was not the case. Johnny took off his jacket and button-up shirt. Then ripped off his wife-beater and proceeded to show us the highlights of Elvis' career that was tattooed on his chest and his entire back.

Don't get me wrong, Johnny wasn't bad to look at, but I draw the line with at least 25 different Elvis' tats staring at me. As he described every moment in perfect detail, I began to think, "Huh, he pasted passion and entered into obsession a long time ago. I wonder if I should tell him that the King is dead?" Well, according to Johnny, the King is not dead. Johnny also thought "Paty" didn't suit me anymore and called me 'Priscilla' for the rest of the evening. With that we headed home.

As Johnny walked me to my car, he began to speak exact like Elvis "Hey Pris, I had a swinging time. Let's do Vegas! TBC style! Whadda say?"


I could only answer back with "Elvis has left the building!"

Big Girls Don't Cry

I Didn't Mean To Make Her Cry

For those of you who know me at all, you know that I could easily be described as a "Nice Guy". I have never intentionally wanted to make someone cry. But apparently, all it took was an introduction:

About 8 years ago, I was living just off of BYU campus and living the College Life Dream. I was active in the student ward, had great roommates, and best of all, had a full head of hair. I had it all.

One of the girls in my FHE group saw that I had it all, and thought, "Here is a great guy to set up with my friend 'Jamie'."

So this girl, whom we shall call Annie...because that actually was her name...I think, approached me after one of our fun-filled adventures in all things Mormon Monday Nights, and asked if I would be interested in going out with her friend "Jamie". (Which was not her real name by the way, in case you didn't infer that by the quotes)

After she told me a bit about "Jamie", I answered with an enthusiastic, "I suppose I could", and plans were made for a movie and dessert double date, (me and "Jamie", Annie and her boyfriend Paul), on Friday night.

Now, unbeknown to me, was the fact that "Jamie" had recently broken up with her long time boyfriend. This is important.

We had arranged to meet at the Wynnsong Movie Theater in Provo. The movie chosen...was a romantic comedy. I arrived decked out in my sexiest khaki Dockers, blue button up shirt and hair...which was quite full and thick, moussed to perfection.

I spotted Annie, Paul and "Jamie" as they came walking across the parking lot. I won't lie...I was impressed. She was an attractive young woman, and I was much looking forward to meeting her.

As they walked up to me, Annie began to introduce us. With a gesture towards me she said, "'Jamie', this is Zach."

To which Jamie burst into tears.

I am not talking a slight weeping from the corner of her eyes because my Acqua Di Gio, may have been liberally applied.

No, this was a full blown order of cascading tears with body convulsions on the side. The nose began to run, and this no-longer composed young woman, was in complete break down.

She turned and started to run to the car, lamenting, "It's too soon...it's too soon!"

Annie, turned to me, and with a sincere apology explained that "Jamie" had recently broken up with her boyfriend. I never did learn exactly HOW recently. She then invited me to still enjoy the movie with Paul, for which they had already purchased the tickets. She then excused herself to go and console "Jamie".

So Paul (whom I had also never met until that night), and I enjoyed an awkward, albeit...nope...just awkward, romantic comedy with an extra chair between us, while Annie and "Jamie" went home to be consoled by Messieurs Haag and Das.